DMT: Second times

Date/Time: Saturday, March 16, 2019 - 4:30 PM, 9:00 PM

Age at time of experience: 45

Weight at time of experience: approx. 184 lbs.

Substances/Doses:

DMT - approx. 30 mg. (smoked), approx. 50 mg. (smoked)

Setting: home

Companions: S

My second night experimenting with DMT, S visited me at my apartment. He’d never done it before and was curious. I, being totally new to this whole thing, was happy to have someone else to do this traveling with. While S and I have spent time around each other with mutual friends, this was the only time we’d ever hung out one-on-one. We talked for a good bit before getting started, debriefing each other about previous psychedelic experiences, what we’d each learned about DMT from reading, and what I’d learned from my previous experiences a week prior. He wasn’t 100% sure he was ready to try it himself but he’d be happy to trip sit me.

I fussed for a minute about the music selection and felt very indecisive about it. I decided to just listen to the same album I listened to the first time I smoked, William Tyler’s “Modern Country.” I loaded up the new oil burner bubbler I’d purchased earlier in the week with about 30 mg. of DMT. I then sat quietly with my eyes closed and did a brief meditation to relax and to clarify my intent. When I felt ready, I sat up and vaporized my dose in two hits using a torch lighter. I felt like my technique kinda sucked as the effects took hold and I knew right away that this was going to be a lighter trip. I closed my eyes, leaned back, and tried not to think too much about it.

I entered the DMT space feeling unsettled, just as I had the last two trips. It was dark in there. My heart and mind raced. The entities were back. As I nervously tried to compose myself, the red humanoids I’ve been calling the “cosmic yogis” spoke to me telepathically. They reminded me to relax and breathe. They said that I should really approach this kind of travel the way I approach mindfulness meditation, focusing on my breathing and letting thoughts come and go. They told me that, if I can learn to relax and maintain a gentle focus, they have many things to show me. The little elf was there too. When I started to open my eyes slightly, he came right up in front of me and gently tugged on my eyelids, gently pulling them back down and giggling. I felt like he was telling me to pay attention to the cosmic yogis and not get distracted. There was another face in there as the DMT started to fade. A vaguely feminine face made of a bunch of interlocking circles. I opened my eyes and when I looked across the living room, I noticed the large mandala tapestry on the wall in my bedroom was moving. I got up and quietly entered my bedroom and watched it for a minute or two. I turned around and looked in the mirror and examined my face. Everything looked normal enough. I went back to the living room.

When I was ready to speak again I picked up a drawing pad and started sketching some of the things I saw for S. He got kind of excited and decided he was gonna go for it. I loaded him up and he went for it. Right from the jump he started laughing nervously and was holding on to the couch for dear life. He made a lot of strange mouth sounds and was drooling on his sweatshirt. It was very funny watching him but I also felt a little sad for him. He seemed like he was trying to fight the weirdness and ground himself. I wished I could help him or steer him into a calmer place but I knew that wouldn’t work so I just quietly observed. After about five minutes, S looked at me and said “Love you, buddy.” As he came out of it he was like, “That’s still here! That’s still here! You’re still here!”

My second time around, I loaded up about 50 mg. into the pipe and this time, when I fired it up, my technique was much better. I watched the crystals melt and become a milky vapor. I pulled slowly for about 20-25 seconds until the vapor suddenly and completely disappeared. I knew I got the whole hit and I was stoked. As I held the hit in, I put the pipe down and held it as the DMT space rushed up on me.

The hit was strong and I felt an intense scrambling. I was nervous but I was doing my best to just breathe and stay focused. One of the cosmic yogis was there. He said, “Relax. I have something to show you.” I said, “OK,” and I leaned my head back. He said, “Here it is.”

Suddenly I was in a bright and evenly lit space where time did not exist. The space was made of a an impossible matter like a diamond-hard yet fluid plastic resin buffed to a glossy finish. This matter was covered in a uniform pattern of small, angular, geometric shapes of orange and purple and black which were slowly and constantly transforming. The white matter too was transforming, making swirls and contours that’s looked something like a flower blooming but more random and complex and unlike anything that exists on earth. I felt like I was given permission to watch the screen saver on God’s mega-quantum computer. I might have said out loud, “I understand.” I’d put whatever this vision was at the top of my list of the most awe-inspiring things I’ve ever seen on psychedelics.

As the intensity started to fade, I opened my eyes. I looked at S and said, “Holy shit.” I might have also said, “Time doesn’t exist.” The room was full of LSD kinds of visuals. Tracers, repeaters, audio distortions. I put my head in my hands and just started saying “oh wow, oh wow, oh wow.” I tried to explain what I saw but I just couldn’t find the words. Or rather I found words but they were as inadequate at describing what I saw as this blog entry is. This was like the most hardcore profundity I’ve ever experienced. Far from a guiding voice or even a screaming reproach, this was like a silent universe revealing its complete confounding mystery. An up-close glimpse into the space beyond the white light at the end of the world where all things that are and were and will be come together.

The next day at work, during the slow early part of my bartending shift, I was reading a chapter in Rick Strassman’s DMT: The Spirit Molecule and I broke down crying. I want to cry right now writing this. I’ve done a lot of terrestrial traveling in my life and I have experienced the awesome, terrifying, swallow-you-whole beauty of a couple of natural wonders of the world. None made me feel as small as this. I will be returning to the DMT space with all the humility of a beggar kneeling at the doorstep of God.