Wednesday, April 10, 2019
Substance/Time:
DMT - 35 mg. / 7:55 PM
Setting: my living room
Saturday, April 13, 2019
Substance/Time:
DMT - 40 mg. / 7:20 PM
Setting: my living room
Mushrooms - 2 g. / 8:50 PM
Setting: walking around Brooklyn
Age at time of experiences: 44
Weight at time of experiences: 184 lbs.
Companions: solo
While it still makes me very anxious, I’m becoming more comfortable with traveling into the DMT realm. It’s becoming a bit of a ritual for me to smudge the house, gently strike a small gong, and meditate for a few minutes after I’ve set up my gear but I can’t help but laugh at myself while I do this. I’ve never been comfortable with spiritual displays and doing these things, even when I’m alone, makes me feel a bit embarrassed. Still, they help me get into a humble mindset and prepare me for entry into the cathedral of my own mind. I’m learning there is an unfathomable, endless power in there. I’m probably better safe than sorry in treating entering that space as if I’m visiting gods.
Last Wednesday, when I put down the pipe and let out my last hit, the shuddering came over me and I closed my eyes. I immediately slid into the swirling, white, plastic chrysanthemum-like space I’d seen during previous trips. Instead of being overcome with awe like other times, I felt peaceful. Comfortable almost. There was a sensation like hands lightly caressing the length of my body and a chattering of little voices that seemed to say, “...yes yes yes yes yes yes....” I had this idea that I was inside a blinding, annihilating orgasm unhooked from time and stretched to an impossible length. I snuggled into it and felt absorbed into the space, like we were moving together. I felt the entities around me even though I couldn’t see them. I whispered slowly, “I’m learning to be with you,” and sensed they knew and that they wanted me there. My whispering also broke the trance I was in and I opened my eyes. I giggled on the couch as I became aware of myself again and whispered, “I’m talking to myself on my couch.” I saw my cat sleeping on her perch across the room and slowly drifted back into terrestrial space. I texted a couple of friends from the local psychedelic societies whose meetings I attend asking, “You ever feel like DMT is almost like sex but backwards? Like it starts in an apocalyptic, annihilating orgasm and then trails off into the fucking and then the foreplay of whatever life is? ... So strange and beautiful and fleeting and with no describable lesson to bring back to normal life except that it too is strange and beautiful and fleeting.”
I can’t remember now but I might have vaped some cannabis concentrate in the hours before Saturday’s trip. I used to take it for granted that I’d get very stoned every day, several times a day, as a way of being. Lately, I feel much more sensitive to weed and I approach getting high with a much lighter touch. I can’t deal with the paranoid self-criticism that comes with getting completely ripped anymore. Anyway, I’m only mentioning this because if I had been a little high going into, it might explain some of the weirdness of Saturday’s trip (as if they’re not all completely fucking weird).
When I put my pipe down and closed my eyes, the shuddering brought with it elements of a bunch of my previous experiences. Once I was in the space there was a lot of excited high-pitched chattering and the familiar, swirling white space started scrolling past me from left to right. The LEGO-like builder men I’d seen a few trips earlier were smiling and sitting on a pile of blocks made of pieces of my living room. By that I mean it looked like my living room was a solid substance that had been diced into brick-sized pieces and taken apart so it could be the building blocks of another structure. They jumped up and started bouncing around in a funny little dance. The cosmic yogis were there too and it was the first time I’d ever seen them dance outside the dark dome space I’d entered in my earliest experiences. They had a funky dance going on too. The whole lot of them were making faces at me while they danced and at one point they all flipped me the bird, waving their alien middle fingers at me (Do they actually have 5 fingers? I’ve never noticed before). I saw the elf for a second and he did the giggling and pulling at my eyelids thing he seems to always do. These entities all seem to work together and have specific purposes in the space. All the while, this constantly morphing tableau scrolled past in the background. This trip seemed a little shorter than the previous trip but I’m starting to think that might this might just be me acclimating to DMT’s way of dilating time. I certainly don’t feel like I’m gaining a sense of control there but I’m definitely earning some familiarity. I need to make sure I don’t take this familiarity for granted or expect it to stay.
I was feeling very refreshed and centered when I returned from hyperspace. The wether on Saturday was beautiful and I had all the windows open in my apartment. I decided it would be a good night to take some mushrooms and take a long walk around town. I ground up 2 grams and left the power to soak in the juice of a whole lime while I prepped some food for the coming week. While I hard-boiled some eggs and grilled some chicken breast I thought about how delayed the onset of my 11 gram trip was in March. I’d never done a Citrus Tek before and wondered if it would actually speed things up. At 8:50 PM, with my stomach empty, I slugged the lime juice and mushroom matter down in one gulp.
I waited about 40 minutes before I realized how hungry I was so I ate a little salad. I then left the house and went out for a walk. I was experiencing some discomfort in my stomach about an hour after consuming the shrooms but I’d expected that. I’d been listening to Squarepusher’s Just a Souvenir when I left the house. I’d never heard this album before and though it was very odd but occasionally delightful. When that ended I listened to a new album called Excitable, Girl from 96 Back. I enjoyed the wide range of electronic styles - from Cornish acid to Italy disco to Detroit techno to ambient - and it made me feel like the mushrooms might be kicking in soon. But the album started and ended without liftoff ever happening. When I got about 40 blocks from my house I turned around and put on Bassnectar’s Divergent Spectrum. I wondered, “Am I going to get home before these mushrooms hit me? Are they going to hit me at all?!” They never really hit me, at least not much harder than a normal microdose of 0.25 grams would. I now mostly understand why my March macrodose took so long to kick in.
When I harvested the mushrooms I grew over the winter, I did not separate the two strains. I just dehydrated them and threw them all in the same jar. I knew this was sloppy as hell but here we are. The spore syringe of one of the strains must have had very weak genetics. I’m thinking that the first 5-7 grams I ate in March were mostly of the weak strain. Since I didn’t really take note of the appearance of the mushrooms I’d eaten either time, I still don’t know which are the weak ones and which are strong. Lesson learned. In the future, I’m going to keep a journal for my grows and take much better care in labeling my containers. I might just take all the shrooms I have left and grind them all up together so that I have a more homogenous product to use until then.
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