LSD: Steve Vai Autograph Signing at Roosevelt Field

Date/Time: Saturday Afternoon, Early Fall, 1990

Age at time of experience: 17

Weight at time of experience: Approx. 110 lbs.

Substances/Doses:
  LSD - 2 blotter tabs
  Cannabis

Setting: shopping mall

Companions: Dave, Nick, Quinn

I was totally stoked to trip when I woke up. I ate breakfast and showered. While waiting for Nick to pick me up, my father expressed intense disapproval of how I was dressed because I was wearing ripped blue jeans and a thrash metal t-shirt. We had a brief, heated exchange during which I was told I “look like a dirtbag.” I changed my shirt to a short sleeve, white, button-down to ensure that this bullshit wouldn’t start back up before my ride arrived. I didn’t want to risk blowing my plans by getting grounded. My dad told me I looked “better.”

Nick arrived around noon and we left to pick Dave and Quinn up at their houses. We parked in the wide, secluded lot behind the twist-tie factory. It was a grey, dry, breezy day. Quinn and I took two tabs of blotter each and we all hung out smoking herb for a while. At some point the decision was made to go to the mall. 

I peaked during the drive there. Nick had a stolen Alpine stereo with a 200-watt amplifier and a giant Kicker box cabinet in the hatch back of his metallic tan, early-80’s Dodge Omni. We listened to “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” at absurd volume the whole way to the mall. At about the midpoint of the drive, as we were traveling down a 4-lane main road, my attention locked in on the trees passing us in the shoulder. As I watched their branches wave around in the breeze, the leaves became 10-foot tall, green, floppy dogs. The dogs were jumping from the tops of the trees into the traffic. On contact with the road, they exploded into massive flurries of falling leaves.

When we entered the mall, I was in hysterics. The mall was thick with shoppers. Everyone’s features, especially they way they moved, looked comically exaggerated. As we cruised through I found myself pointing and laughing at people, feeling invincible and maybe even invisible. When we entered Record World, we were greeted by a surprise sign on a stanchion:

“LINE FOR STEVE VAI FORMES AROUND BACK.”

We all looked at each other stunned. All summer, our little crew of teenage dirtbags had been driving around, smoking weed, and listening to the new album by guitar shredder, Steve Vai, “Passion and Warfare.” Dave ran up to an employee and asked what the sign meant. The clerk told him that Steve Vai was going to be signing autographs in the store in a little while. We all freaked out and decided we’d be staying for that. Nick bought “Freaky Styley” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the cover of which really weirded me out when he showed it to me. Dave bought “Band of Gypsies” by Jimi Hendrix.

Outside, by the unmarked back door of the store, a line of about 50 people were already waiting (Was it really 50 or did it just feel that way? Might it actually have been half that?). We set up camp at the end of the line. Steve Vai was supposed to be there at 5:00 PM. It was only about 1:30. We sat around smoking cigarettes and laughing and being stupid teenagers. Nick set the frayed ends of my ripped jeans on fire and I jumped up shouting. Nick and Dave got the idea of sending Quinn and I, the guys tripping on acid, to pick up McDonald’s. We agreed.

Before getting food, Quinn and I took a stroll around the mall. We went inside the Disney Store and watched a movie that was playing in the back of the store. Quinn thought we were getting dirty looks from other customers. He got freaked out and had to leave. We went to a kiosk and bought bulk candy. I vaguely remember trying to weird out the other customers waiting for theirs. We went into a hippieish candle shop and I got kicked out for smoking in the store.

McDonald’s was crowded. We had a hard time keeping it together standing in line. When we got to the front we were greeted by Angel, the cashier, according to his name tag. Quinn and I struggled both to remember the orders and to relay them to Angel without howling with laughter. He seemed to think it was pretty funny and was like “Ok. Ok.” We managed to pay for the order and left the mall to return to our friends holding our place in the autograph line. After fewer than 10 steps outdoors, all the drinks fell through the bottom of their bag and dramatically splashed all over the walkway. We whooped and hollered and ran away from the mess.

By the time Steve Vai arrived at Record World, two hours past the scheduled time, I was well past the peak of my trip. I was tired of waiting on lines and I didn’t feel as strongly as I did earlier about getting this autograph. Dave and Quinn ended up ahead of Nick and I in the queue and we could see them excitedly waving their arms around and talking to Steve Vai. When I approached the table I didn’t really have anything to say. I just said, “Hi.” Steve Vai said “hi” from behind his sunglasses, signed a white square of paper with a marker, and handed it to me.

Immediately after I walked away from the table, Dave asked if he could buy my Steve Vai autograph. I was like, “We all just waited all day to get autographs. Why didn’t you get one?” He told me that Steve Vai refused to sign the Jimi Hendrix “Band of Gypsies” CD he’d bought earlier. This made no sense to me but I said I’d give it up for a pack of smokes.